What a busy weekend!  I got the yard, the house and the messy pointless room all cleaned up in preparation for my dad moving in.  I started taking a multivitamin and B12 and I feel like I have energy for days now.  Mostly.  Yesterday I think the two days prior caught up to me.  But I still got a lot done.

So no pictures on progress today.  I forgot and wasn't home in my gym stuffs.  But I did lose another 1.6 lbs!  And took measurements.  So goal is measurements and pictures weekly.

New Weight: 185
Waist: 37.5 inches
Hips: 45 inches

I'm so anxious to get where I want to be.  But I know I've just got to respect the process, keep eating right and keep moving.  Here's to another week of bettering me!

via GIPHY

Small progress is still progress

and I won not one but two of my fitbit challenges so that was a nice little boost in my confidence! Went to the Dr. on Friday.  He's happy with my minimal weight loss.  Says that's the best way.  Small steps lead to long distances or something like that.

Oh and today I ran!  Only for 5 minutes, and it sucked and it wasn't very fast.  But I ran.  So my goal this week is to run that 5 minutes every day.  And next week, maybe I'll see if I can go for 7.  Or even 10!

My energy and overall mental health have been so much better lately.  Which is wonderful because I was feeling terribly alone.  No love interest, the ex has been distancing himself (inevitable, I know) and those things called friends are few and far between.  I was feeling a little down on myself.  But having something to focus on has been so great for me.

So here's my weekly photo update.  Not much change, other than the mirror is clean ;)  But apparently a few other people notice.  My pants are a little looser.  I like how my legs look again.  Yeah....I'm stepping in all the right directions!

Here we go again!

This blog is starting to look like my diaries.  I start them with great intentions, and they get forgotten. Fragmented pieces of my life.  Tiny holes in the walls I've built to peak in.

Around mid June or so, I decided I couldn't keep doing nothing about my physical health (again).  I was at the heaviest I ever was (194lbs) weighing in as much as I did when I was pregnant. Completely unacceptable!  The guy I was head over heels about dumped me and I was feeling lousy. So I started walking in my beautiful country neighborhood.  Only to discover I had EXCRUCIATING pain in my calves if I walked too fast.

Fast forward a few weeks and I've joined Planet Fitness again, I'm consistently hitting at least 10K steps a day (I hit 20k yesterday!) and I've started a Biggest Loser challenge at work.  I'm currently in 3rd.  I've also lost very little weight (currently coasting at 187).  But I feel better.  And I feel like my clothes are just a tiny bit more comfortable.  My goals are to lose all I want to lose by August 1, 2017.  That gives me one year to lose 45 lbs.  A very reasonable and achievable goal.  I pray I don't get lazy again.  I pray that if I meet someone, that I don't stray from better myself by being lost in a new relationship.  I pray I get my glorious booty back! hahaha!

So here is a couple photos of me from yesterday (excuse the poor lighting and dirty mirror).  I am hoping the visual reminders will help me stay on track and help me see the progress maybe I don't feel.

  

Bucket List Goal #1

There are so many things I would like to do, places I'd love to see. And while most bucket lists are big and grand, and trust me, I have the big and grand, I also have bucket items I feel are obtainable. One I am currently working toward: getting my BA. I'm about to start my 2nd term. Luckily, nearly all my courses taken after high school transferred and I am able to dive head first into classes towards my degree. Being a wife, a mom, working a full time job and a student is trying. Stressful. And I think a little crazy. But I will never be able to live the life I dream without expanding my education. And horizons.

I really do!!!

Have all the intentions to keep this blog going! Just with work, the kids, Richard & of course now my exercising, I am having a hard time finding just that; time! The determination is still there, though I have little results to show at the moment. I've lost about 7 lbs, give or take, because my weight seems to fluctuate from day to day. Not that I care so much about "weight" as I do if my clothes fit better, or even more hopeful, get too big! But I guess its all just a work in progress and I can't expect anything more than small steps if I'm doing it healthy and making sure I'm taking care of my health while I try to fit into those size 8's!

I've done fairly well with if I am not able to make it to the gym I will go swimming with the kids, for a run or like last night a walk with Richard. I really enjoyed that little bit of time. Baby steps all the way around, I guess. I'm learning to slow things down in life in general and enjoying the crawl rather than trying to run a marathon, lol. Life right now is doing me well. I don't have everything I need or want, but I am very happy with what I do have and have come to realize that the only family I really and truly need is the family that resides within my home. They make my life the wonderful journey it is.

So sleepy.....

I'm on Day 10? I think of my routine of working out. Day 6 since I joined the gym. I did not go Fri or Sat, but I did go swimming with the kids, so I consider that a workout! And I've gone everyday since Sunday. I like the gym alot & am trying to change things up so I don't get bored. I get there around 6, so I get to watch the news while I'm working out, which I think helps me not pay attention to how long I am going. My energy level is a little down, but once I get going, I'm good. I'm sure its just a matter of time till I'm feeling better physically.

Monday we will be driving up to the mountains to get Nichole from Girl Scout Camp. I'm anxious to enjoy it with the family. Even if its just for the day, we've never really gone up to the mountains to just enjoy it. I am a deprived individual who has never really been camping. Sad, I know.

I joined a Gym!

I have never gone to a traditional gym before, so it is a little intimidating. But I am excited to have the time not only to myself, but to better myself. I can't wait to see results, though I am sure I will be like most and want them instantly, ha ha!

I guess I'll have to start being even more narcissistic than I already am and take some before, during & after pictures, lol. I'm sure that will keep me motivated once I do start seeing change.

Hooray for new beginnings, hard work, and results to come!

Day 3 -- Wednesday

I didn't get my lunch jog in yesterday. Instead I opted to have lunch with my husband. Poor thing had a long, hard day at work. I probably won't get my jog in today either because I believe I may be having lunch with my friend from high school. I did get my bike ride in though. I went 2.48 miles in 15.44 minutes and burned about 200 calories. So at least I wasn't a total blob and didn't do anything, lol.

Today after work I am going to go to the gym, talk to them and most likely get signed up & do my first workout there. I think I finally found determination. Yay! I can't wait to have my body back the way I want it to be :o)

Day 2 -- Tuesday

I have been tracking my calorie intake on http://thedailyplate.com. I find it a little ridiculous though because when I enter my current weight & weight loss goal it tells me I can eat 2000 calories a day & still lose weight. I don't ever eat 2000 calories in a day unless I am REALLY indulging! Anyways on Tuesday I consumed about 1080 calories & burned 351.

I jogged 1.5 miles for my lunch and last night I rode my bike 2.23 miles. I was going to get up this morning and do my Biggest Loser dvd, but I don't want to over exert myself and wear myself out before I even get started, so my goal is to continue with the jogging & riding my bike for the remainder of this week. Build up slowly right?

I have plans to meet up with an old friend from high school this week for lunch and I am greatly looking forward to it! Its been 13 years! Wow, how time flies.

Today I am working on our company Facebook page. Fun, fun! Especially since Facebook has done something stupid and isn't allowing photo uploads. Grrrr! Back to the regular paper pushing for now I guess.

Day 1 -- Monday

Today I started with that determination, focus thing I keep "talking" about, but not doing. I rode the bike 2.2 miles. Took me 15 minutes and I burned 103 calories. Not a huge feat, but a start. I also loaded this nifty little app to my phone that tracks all my workouts, reminds me I need to workout & tracks my progress. Plus while I am working out, it gives me updates. So last night it was telling me how long it was going to take me to do a mile at the pace I was going & it would tell me how far I had gone periodically. All while NOT interupting my music! Awesome! I just need one of those arm band things for my phone so it doesn't get messed up while I exercise.

Today, I am going to walk for my lunch and going to go for my bike ride again tonight. Hopefully the boys will sleep in their room so I can do my workout in the morning also. I have set a goal for myself. Goal 1: Lose 10 lbs by August. Thats about a pound a week. I can do this!!!!

Finding Determination

So as can obviously be seen, I'm not so great at the continuous blogging thing, but I am going to try to change the mood of this one some. Things aren't where I'd like them to be, but I am in a better place within myself.

I am trying to find determination & motivation to lose some weight. I am still 10 lbs away from pre-Laila weight & would ideally like to lose at least 30 lbs. I know I want to, I know I need to, but for whatever reason it is just so hard for me right now. I set my alarm for 5am, it rings, I wake up, & turn it off. I need to wake up & get up. Tonight I am going to go to bed at 8. Hopefully Laila agrees, and see if the problem is I'm not getting enough sleep.

I have started walking for my lunch with some coworkers which is wonderful. Maybe if I can find someone to get up with me at 5 am and let Jillian Michaels kick both our asses I might be able to get it done!

Good Morning World!!!

Its going to be a FABULOUS day!!! Enjoy it!!!

Happiness is in YOUR hands!

I am in a position I never thought I would be in. One I never cared to be, but one I am grateful I am. In the past 3 years I have never once stopped and took a good look at myself. At my choices, my actions, my words. I mean I've read over my words over and over, but I've never really LOOKED at them. Now I have the opportunity to see my words through someone else, to see how badly I handled things, and to learn.

I have learned one crucial thing. The one thing that I think will help me for the rest of my life. MY happiness cannot reside in someone else's hands. I cannot rely on ANYONE else to make me happy. I just have to be happy. Be happy with the things I have in my life. Change what I can if something is making me unhappy, and find the good in what I have if I can't change something. Once I hand my happiness over to someone else, they will destroy it. They will mold it into something THEY think is happiness OR they will abuse & neglect it. Once I hand my happiness over to someone else, THEY control me, I don't control me.

I like who I am, I think I am a good person with a good heart. If someone wants to walk away from me, well I won't be sad anymore. Because I am not making that choice, they are. And if being a part of my life was only meant to be for a short time, or whether it was meant to be for a lifetime, well that is in God's hands. And His hands are the only hands, other than mine, I will ever allow to touch my happiness again!

Once Again

So I have deleted my myspace. Once again. This is the 3rd page I've deleted in less than two years. I just don't understand how someone who thinks so poorly of me, is so obsessed, that they search and search and hunt until they find the new one I created. Its sad. If I am so horrible, just forget about me. Forget I exist. Forget my name, forget what you think you know about me and go on with your life happy in the fact that you'll never have to really know me, or spend time with me, or truly care about me. Just ranting........

5 stages

I suck at this blog thing...it's been what?? 7 months?? Sad!! So much has changed. When I last wrote, I thought I was about to go thru a big change. I ready for it. Scared, but ready. And true to Katrina expectations, everything came crumbling down around my feet. And now, 7 months later, there is nothing more that I want than those changes. It is the air I breathe. It dictates my life. That need to change. It is the second thing I think of every morning when I wake. (1st would be my kids, of course!!) It is the second to last thing I think of before I fall asleep. It defines my days, my moods, and at the moment me.

It is exhausting being defined by a moment in time that you don't know when it will come. Its not like death, which everyone knows will come. It is not something I can KNOW will happen, even if every fiber in my being is willing it to. Faith is a hard thing to come by, when every possible wall is thrown and every possible door is shut, in your face.

The bitterness is gone, the anger. What do they say the 5 stages are?

1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

I have done all of these. I am at acceptance. I am at the point where if someone else wants to be miserable in my shoes, well I'll give them to them for free, so long as they promise never to give them back!! I have accepted where my life is, what has become of the love I once had, and where my future lies. What I have not accepted is the inability to reach that future I so long for. That I CANNOT live without. Because if I have to live in these shoes much longer, well.... you may never see me walk again.

ummmmm

Isn't it strange how life throws you it's curveballs? Just a thought......

So its coming to an end

and I won't lie....I'm so scared. Scared that I will always be alone. Scared of what my kids will think of me for leaving. Of what they already think of me for staying so long. If my life will really be better, or if I'll just be just as miserable in a new, empty house. But in the end, what I will have will be MINE. My time will be MINE, and the money that I bust my ass for will be MINE to use on what I want and not on bills that are doing nothing for me but holding me back. I just need the strength to really leave this time. I really say ok, I am not doing this anymore and walk through that door. God help me walk through that door.

Today

is simply, absolutely wonderful. Good news is so wonderful!! :o)

Dear John

Today is our anniversary. But there is no longer any love there. I know my words won't hurt you. I know that you won't care. But I have to say them to make myself feel better. This fake life we have been living, is coming to an end. I know it, you know it, but neither of us has acted on it. You have successfully pushed me away, if that was what you were trying to do. I know that the "she's everything I need" page is you. And what bugs me isn't the fact that you are still obsessed with her, but it is that that obsession doesn't let you see that she is making a fool out of you. That she's just keeping you on that string cuz it's boasting her ego. She doesn't love you. If she loved you, she'd be with you, not him. So I am writing this to say goodbye. Goodbye to the love I thought we had, no, to the love I once had. Like I said, your "love" for me wasn't enough to keep you. And I know now that it's not because of anything I did, no matter how hard you try to put it on me. Cuz look at all you have done, and i'm still here. I greived for my grandfather and thats all it took to make you run away. I am the better person here and you know it. That's why you get sick when you eat and why you can't sleep. Cuz your chasing a dream and have destroyed a true reality. Goodbye my love. I can't say I'll miss you, cuz the person I missed left a long time ago and I have gotten over that pain. It is time for me to find what I need in my life. To be happy, cuz I've learned alot about myself through all this, and finally I am happy with ME. And that is all I need to find someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved. I hope you have a wonderful life. Goodbye.

Jane

80's all over

Is that some funny shit or what?? I even had on leg warmers....hot pink n black stripped.....can u picture it?? How funny