I suck at this blog thing...it's been what?? 7 months?? Sad!! So much has changed. When I last wrote, I thought I was about to go thru a big change. I ready for it. Scared, but ready. And true to Katrina expectations, everything came crumbling down around my feet. And now, 7 months later, there is nothing more that I want than those changes. It is the air I breathe. It dictates my life. That need to change. It is the second thing I think of every morning when I wake. (1st would be my kids, of course!!) It is the second to last thing I think of before I fall asleep. It defines my days, my moods, and at the moment me.
It is exhausting being defined by a moment in time that you don't know when it will come. Its not like death, which everyone knows will come. It is not something I can KNOW will happen, even if every fiber in my being is willing it to. Faith is a hard thing to come by, when every possible wall is thrown and every possible door is shut, in your face.
The bitterness is gone, the anger. What do they say the 5 stages are?
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
I have done all of these. I am at acceptance. I am at the point where if someone else wants to be miserable in my shoes, well I'll give them to them for free, so long as they promise never to give them back!! I have accepted where my life is, what has become of the love I once had, and where my future lies. What I have not accepted is the inability to reach that future I so long for. That I CANNOT live without. Because if I have to live in these shoes much longer, well.... you may never see me walk again.
It is exhausting being defined by a moment in time that you don't know when it will come. Its not like death, which everyone knows will come. It is not something I can KNOW will happen, even if every fiber in my being is willing it to. Faith is a hard thing to come by, when every possible wall is thrown and every possible door is shut, in your face.
The bitterness is gone, the anger. What do they say the 5 stages are?
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
I have done all of these. I am at acceptance. I am at the point where if someone else wants to be miserable in my shoes, well I'll give them to them for free, so long as they promise never to give them back!! I have accepted where my life is, what has become of the love I once had, and where my future lies. What I have not accepted is the inability to reach that future I so long for. That I CANNOT live without. Because if I have to live in these shoes much longer, well.... you may never see me walk again.
1 comment:
you've got us to help you walk. the time you seek will come. it will be more than you thought you wanted. freedom obviously has a price. please don't give up on yourself. we won't!
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