Mamacita is back!!

LOL LOL!! That's right!! I'm only worrying about what's worth worrying about, and it sure as hell is not the shit at my feet!!!! I heard a song today that made me think about all this shit. It's funny how we let people affect us in such ways. Maybe Girard and Clinton are right. It's just a bunch of BULLSHIT!!! Fuck it all!!! Ha ha......my friends, you must tell me exactly how you just disconnect yourself and allow yourself to not care, cuz I'm struggling with it. :o)

What SHOULD I do for lunch tomorrow??? ;o)

Just have to say..............

today is another wonderful day!! The roses are still blooming thanks to the shit around my feet. And all I have to say is I can handle it at my feet cuz I can step on it, and squish it, and kick it around. Better than having it in my face........all that is in my face are my roses.

Oh, and look..........over there!!! It looks like I'm growing some orchids too!!

Life is Peachy!!

LOL LOL LOL!! I wonder how long it will take me of forcing myself not to care and forcing myself to smile and be happy till I really am? Today is one of those days where I don't give a shit about all the crap around me, it's just fertilizer for my roses. Why can't everyday be like today? Why do most days I only see the shit at my feet and not the beautiful bushels of flowers growing around me? We are such fools!!! **Sigh** Well, live and learn I guess.

Life sucks!!

I am so tired already. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do you have to work so hard for nothing in return? I'm so tired of being sad, of being depressed. Does it ever end???

Disappointment

It is a new day, and I have to say it's no better than any of the others. I really am disappointed with where my life is, or should I say isn't. This past year really has been horrible. I know there are a million ways it could be worse, but really, how could it??? And I continue to try to give it my all, to show people what I am capable of and how I truly feel, and for what? To continue to feel like I'm being used, ignored, walked all over, abused, neglected. Why can't I just let go and work on just me?? How do you let go? How do you say "F this!! I'm not going to care anymore, I'm not going to try anymore?" How do you do that? I mean I have EVERY reason to!!! There is nothing being reciprocated to me! There is no love, no care, no comfort. Why should I do it?? I'm so stupid!! I feel like if I don't then I'll really lose any chance I may have, but why do I want that chance??? Why do I want to settle for being the only option, instead of being the one that is REALLY wanted?? Why do I want to degrade myself to that?? Why do I want to settle for something that is not what it once was, or that will probably never be that way again?? Cuz it's comfortable, cuz I don't want change?? What I would give for a time machine, to go back and change small things, and pray that it would be enough to not have to have lived through what I've lived through. I hate my life.

What a day off!

I had all these plans, being it's my only day off that i really have to myself, and now I can't do anything. I really don't mean to complain, cuz I know I'm helping out someone who has done SOOOO much for me, but when I'm stuck at home cuz someone else, who we shall remain nameless, can't take responisbility for ANYTHING, it really irks me. I mean come on!
At least my lunch plans have been moved to tomorrow, but that still does not help get some of my christmas shopping done. Plus I was looking forward to a day with Christian, just doing our own thing, hanging out, but oh well, what can you do, right?