Disappointment

It is a new day, and I have to say it's no better than any of the others. I really am disappointed with where my life is, or should I say isn't. This past year really has been horrible. I know there are a million ways it could be worse, but really, how could it??? And I continue to try to give it my all, to show people what I am capable of and how I truly feel, and for what? To continue to feel like I'm being used, ignored, walked all over, abused, neglected. Why can't I just let go and work on just me?? How do you let go? How do you say "F this!! I'm not going to care anymore, I'm not going to try anymore?" How do you do that? I mean I have EVERY reason to!!! There is nothing being reciprocated to me! There is no love, no care, no comfort. Why should I do it?? I'm so stupid!! I feel like if I don't then I'll really lose any chance I may have, but why do I want that chance??? Why do I want to settle for being the only option, instead of being the one that is REALLY wanted?? Why do I want to degrade myself to that?? Why do I want to settle for something that is not what it once was, or that will probably never be that way again?? Cuz it's comfortable, cuz I don't want change?? What I would give for a time machine, to go back and change small things, and pray that it would be enough to not have to have lived through what I've lived through. I hate my life.