Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Happiness is in YOUR hands!
I am in a position I never thought I would be in. One I never cared to be, but one I am grateful I am. In the past 3 years I have never once stopped and took a good look at myself. At my choices, my actions, my words. I mean I've read over my words over and over, but I've never really LOOKED at them. Now I have the opportunity to see my words through someone else, to see how badly I handled things, and to learn.
I have learned one crucial thing. The one thing that I think will help me for the rest of my life. MY happiness cannot reside in someone else's hands. I cannot rely on ANYONE else to make me happy. I just have to be happy. Be happy with the things I have in my life. Change what I can if something is making me unhappy, and find the good in what I have if I can't change something. Once I hand my happiness over to someone else, they will destroy it. They will mold it into something THEY think is happiness OR they will abuse & neglect it. Once I hand my happiness over to someone else, THEY control me, I don't control me.
I like who I am, I think I am a good person with a good heart. If someone wants to walk away from me, well I won't be sad anymore. Because I am not making that choice, they are. And if being a part of my life was only meant to be for a short time, or whether it was meant to be for a lifetime, well that is in God's hands. And His hands are the only hands, other than mine, I will ever allow to touch my happiness again!
I have learned one crucial thing. The one thing that I think will help me for the rest of my life. MY happiness cannot reside in someone else's hands. I cannot rely on ANYONE else to make me happy. I just have to be happy. Be happy with the things I have in my life. Change what I can if something is making me unhappy, and find the good in what I have if I can't change something. Once I hand my happiness over to someone else, they will destroy it. They will mold it into something THEY think is happiness OR they will abuse & neglect it. Once I hand my happiness over to someone else, THEY control me, I don't control me.
I like who I am, I think I am a good person with a good heart. If someone wants to walk away from me, well I won't be sad anymore. Because I am not making that choice, they are. And if being a part of my life was only meant to be for a short time, or whether it was meant to be for a lifetime, well that is in God's hands. And His hands are the only hands, other than mine, I will ever allow to touch my happiness again!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Once Again
So I have deleted my myspace. Once again. This is the 3rd page I've deleted in less than two years. I just don't understand how someone who thinks so poorly of me, is so obsessed, that they search and search and hunt until they find the new one I created. Its sad. If I am so horrible, just forget about me. Forget I exist. Forget my name, forget what you think you know about me and go on with your life happy in the fact that you'll never have to really know me, or spend time with me, or truly care about me. Just ranting........
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
5 stages
I suck at this blog thing...it's been what?? 7 months?? Sad!! So much has changed. When I last wrote, I thought I was about to go thru a big change. I ready for it. Scared, but ready. And true to Katrina expectations, everything came crumbling down around my feet. And now, 7 months later, there is nothing more that I want than those changes. It is the air I breathe. It dictates my life. That need to change. It is the second thing I think of every morning when I wake. (1st would be my kids, of course!!) It is the second to last thing I think of before I fall asleep. It defines my days, my moods, and at the moment me.
It is exhausting being defined by a moment in time that you don't know when it will come. Its not like death, which everyone knows will come. It is not something I can KNOW will happen, even if every fiber in my being is willing it to. Faith is a hard thing to come by, when every possible wall is thrown and every possible door is shut, in your face.
The bitterness is gone, the anger. What do they say the 5 stages are?
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
I have done all of these. I am at acceptance. I am at the point where if someone else wants to be miserable in my shoes, well I'll give them to them for free, so long as they promise never to give them back!! I have accepted where my life is, what has become of the love I once had, and where my future lies. What I have not accepted is the inability to reach that future I so long for. That I CANNOT live without. Because if I have to live in these shoes much longer, well.... you may never see me walk again.
It is exhausting being defined by a moment in time that you don't know when it will come. Its not like death, which everyone knows will come. It is not something I can KNOW will happen, even if every fiber in my being is willing it to. Faith is a hard thing to come by, when every possible wall is thrown and every possible door is shut, in your face.
The bitterness is gone, the anger. What do they say the 5 stages are?
1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
I have done all of these. I am at acceptance. I am at the point where if someone else wants to be miserable in my shoes, well I'll give them to them for free, so long as they promise never to give them back!! I have accepted where my life is, what has become of the love I once had, and where my future lies. What I have not accepted is the inability to reach that future I so long for. That I CANNOT live without. Because if I have to live in these shoes much longer, well.... you may never see me walk again.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
So its coming to an end
and I won't lie....I'm so scared. Scared that I will always be alone. Scared of what my kids will think of me for leaving. Of what they already think of me for staying so long. If my life will really be better, or if I'll just be just as miserable in a new, empty house. But in the end, what I will have will be MINE. My time will be MINE, and the money that I bust my ass for will be MINE to use on what I want and not on bills that are doing nothing for me but holding me back. I just need the strength to really leave this time. I really say ok, I am not doing this anymore and walk through that door. God help me walk through that door.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
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