Once Again

So I have deleted my myspace. Once again. This is the 3rd page I've deleted in less than two years. I just don't understand how someone who thinks so poorly of me, is so obsessed, that they search and search and hunt until they find the new one I created. Its sad. If I am so horrible, just forget about me. Forget I exist. Forget my name, forget what you think you know about me and go on with your life happy in the fact that you'll never have to really know me, or spend time with me, or truly care about me. Just ranting........

5 stages

I suck at this blog thing...it's been what?? 7 months?? Sad!! So much has changed. When I last wrote, I thought I was about to go thru a big change. I ready for it. Scared, but ready. And true to Katrina expectations, everything came crumbling down around my feet. And now, 7 months later, there is nothing more that I want than those changes. It is the air I breathe. It dictates my life. That need to change. It is the second thing I think of every morning when I wake. (1st would be my kids, of course!!) It is the second to last thing I think of before I fall asleep. It defines my days, my moods, and at the moment me.

It is exhausting being defined by a moment in time that you don't know when it will come. Its not like death, which everyone knows will come. It is not something I can KNOW will happen, even if every fiber in my being is willing it to. Faith is a hard thing to come by, when every possible wall is thrown and every possible door is shut, in your face.

The bitterness is gone, the anger. What do they say the 5 stages are?

1. Denial and Isolation.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.

I have done all of these. I am at acceptance. I am at the point where if someone else wants to be miserable in my shoes, well I'll give them to them for free, so long as they promise never to give them back!! I have accepted where my life is, what has become of the love I once had, and where my future lies. What I have not accepted is the inability to reach that future I so long for. That I CANNOT live without. Because if I have to live in these shoes much longer, well.... you may never see me walk again.

ummmmm

Isn't it strange how life throws you it's curveballs? Just a thought......

So its coming to an end

and I won't lie....I'm so scared. Scared that I will always be alone. Scared of what my kids will think of me for leaving. Of what they already think of me for staying so long. If my life will really be better, or if I'll just be just as miserable in a new, empty house. But in the end, what I will have will be MINE. My time will be MINE, and the money that I bust my ass for will be MINE to use on what I want and not on bills that are doing nothing for me but holding me back. I just need the strength to really leave this time. I really say ok, I am not doing this anymore and walk through that door. God help me walk through that door.

Today

is simply, absolutely wonderful. Good news is so wonderful!! :o)

Dear John

Today is our anniversary. But there is no longer any love there. I know my words won't hurt you. I know that you won't care. But I have to say them to make myself feel better. This fake life we have been living, is coming to an end. I know it, you know it, but neither of us has acted on it. You have successfully pushed me away, if that was what you were trying to do. I know that the "she's everything I need" page is you. And what bugs me isn't the fact that you are still obsessed with her, but it is that that obsession doesn't let you see that she is making a fool out of you. That she's just keeping you on that string cuz it's boasting her ego. She doesn't love you. If she loved you, she'd be with you, not him. So I am writing this to say goodbye. Goodbye to the love I thought we had, no, to the love I once had. Like I said, your "love" for me wasn't enough to keep you. And I know now that it's not because of anything I did, no matter how hard you try to put it on me. Cuz look at all you have done, and i'm still here. I greived for my grandfather and thats all it took to make you run away. I am the better person here and you know it. That's why you get sick when you eat and why you can't sleep. Cuz your chasing a dream and have destroyed a true reality. Goodbye my love. I can't say I'll miss you, cuz the person I missed left a long time ago and I have gotten over that pain. It is time for me to find what I need in my life. To be happy, cuz I've learned alot about myself through all this, and finally I am happy with ME. And that is all I need to find someone who can love me the way I deserve to be loved. I hope you have a wonderful life. Goodbye.

Jane

80's all over

Is that some funny shit or what?? I even had on leg warmers....hot pink n black stripped.....can u picture it?? How funny